Posted by: somesangs | February 29, 2008

A KOFFEE Sang.

Oh. holy. cow. If you haven’t the time for Friday shannigans, please click ‘mark as read’ now. If you have any sort of affinity for coffee, please read on.

This email was written by a co-worker this morning after we had some conversations about a coffee-purchasing schedule for our small office. Don’t miss the Swanson amendment at the end of the email. Incredible. Enjoy.

———–

Team,

In a spirit of democracy, non-partisanship and unicameral undertaking, there is going to be established a Coffee Consortium to address the needs of our organization.  Although a loosely-affiliated body of constituents have comprised this effort to date, a formalized policy and procedures is hereby enacted for the group. 

This initiative, the Kerry “Office Fresh and Flavorful Energy Effort”, or ‘KOFFEE’, will establish rules and regulations for the entire coffee consortium in the office.  The KOFFEE will be a deliberative and consensus building initiative, with guidelines established to take into account the various special interests and circumstances which naturally derive from broad-based initiatives such as this.

  • Basics – Extensive financial analysis by top officials has indicated it requires about $8.00 (U.S) per capita/ per month to fully fund and maintain the KOFFEE for The Impact Group. This is subject to variations due to seasonal needs, staffing needs, meeting times and visitors, and a general overuse of KOFFEE resources during times of increased stress and early morning meetings. However, the $8.00 threshold should maintain KOFFEE needs effectively going forward. 
  • Collection – Each KOFFEE constituents will be assessed their $8.00 on the 1st of each month, accounting for weekends and holidays, as appropriate.
  • As users of the KOFFEE, you are all subject to a ‘User Fee’ associated with this initiative. While not expressly a “tax”, this user fee is in the interest of all participants for viability and sustainability of the program.

Amendments – A KOFFEE Caucus in the East Wing brought to the attention of the Chair of the KOFFEE (me), that there are areas where assessments need adjustment.  The Chair is open to further amendments, but on a needs-based and consensus basis:

  • The Richer Amendment – The caucus has submitted the K. “Man, I love Creamer” Richer Amendment.  Mr. Richer will not be assessed more than the $8.00, however, due to his abundant and excessive use of creamer, it will incumbent upon him to actually obtain and deliver creamer to the office each month, according to needs and budget. This amendment has been ratified by the Chair.
  • The Smith Amendment – The Chair recognizes that although he partakes on a much more limited basis, he nonetheless, is responsible to contribute accordingly.  However, in accordance with various state and federal laws and age-discrimination lawsuits, the KOFFEE will not require Mr. Smith to with make the initial pot each morning, regardless of his time of arrival. ADA rules may come into account as well due to his borderline ADD/HD and general lack of need for caffeinated items throughout the day.
  • The Stulpin Amendment – A. not only provides the first pot each morning, her (ahem) ‘need for order and cleanliness’ in the KOFFEE region of the office often leads her to take inordinate steps to assist in the general upkeep of the area.  She will be assessed her $8.00, but the Chair calls for Honorable Mention for her efforts to maintain order and cleanliness.
  • The Polyak Amendment – Hereshallwith, no one shall produce KOFFEE which is so weak that it is transparent to the human eye. It is incumbent all on KOFFEE producers to use sufficient supplies necessary to create a hearty and substantive pot of KOFFEE, not some weak-kneed English Tea-looking substance.  As Mr. Polyak maintains ultimate ownership over all KOFFEE resources, this amendment is not subject to negotiation.
  • The Speaks Amendment – Given that Mr. Speaks is largely new to the KOFFEE world, he will not be required to produce any fresh pots of KOFFEE for a period of six months. The Chair has personally witnessed such as effort, and it is not pretty.  Training is imperative!
  • The Swanson Amendment – Ms. Swanson routinely has been witnessed as “abundant” utilizer of KOFFEE throughout the day. She shall work in conjunction with Kendal “Man, I love Creamer” Richer to obtain and maintain supplies for all KOFFEE needs in the office. As the Chair occupies space very near KOFFEE resources, the Chair is quite aware of patterns of use and behavior.  And, no, the additional runs to Caribou and Starbucks will not release Ms. Swanson of these responsibilities!

Please submit any amendments to the Chair as necessary for additional guidelines going forward. 

Respectfully submitted,

 

K. “KOFFEE Chair” Smith

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Responses

  1. Got a big smile out of this. I’m afraid I would be in violation of the Polyak amendment. My sister once proclaimed my coffee to be “brown water,” while I accuse her of making it so strong that it could jump out of the cup and walk on its own. LOL

  2. Added comment
    May I suggest that this be the first page in our new employee handbook.

    If I could please add two sub sections:

    The Swanson Amendment: Section 1A – The Moleski Flavored Coffee Rule

    Funds generated through KOFFEE cannot be used to purchase disgusting cranberry, blueberry or any other “berry” flavored coffee unless approved by a majority of four-sevenths. If a disgusting flavor is purchased, Ms. Swanson must ensure regular coffee is available to those who hate disgusting coffee.

    The Richer Amendment: Section 1A – The Moleski Flavored Creamer Rule

    See Swanson Amendment: Section 1A

    Replace “coffee” with creamer. Replace “Ms. Swanson” with Mr. Richer.

  3. Sis,
    One of the more hysterical moments of my life was reading this blog. As sister Lu Lu Bell of the Barn on Foggy March, I to have witnessed the said over abuse of coffee-ish powers such as depleting the stash of travel coffee mugs and paper “I don’t care about the environment because it’s 8am and I need coffee to take with me the 2 miles down the road to work” cups. As your sister, and loveable roommate, I cannot really qualm about the abuse of such apparatus, as I did pull the majority of the travel mugs in question out of the automobile otherwise known as the Bu. That being said, please also include this amendment to said document named “KOFFEE”:

    Ms. Swanson must also bring home at least one travel coffee mug per day for her sweet-a roommate because she is the meanest person in the world in the morning and only the sweet, sweet taste of brewed Arabic beans makes getting out of bed in the morning somewhat bearable. The employees and clients of Saeco USA, the world’s leading manufacturer of super automatic espresso machines, thank you in advance for your cooperation.

    Wuv yew.

    L

  4. I forgot all about this. Put a smile on my face on a day I needed it. Hope all is well Kait. I hope you are in a safe place where “diet” koffee is acceptable!


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